I wish I could punch you in the face.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
