so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
