i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
