I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize