I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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