I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
