did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
