he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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