got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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