I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
