the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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