Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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