Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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