i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
