What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
