If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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