Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
