my vag is so smooth its legendary
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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