He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
