I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
