I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
