why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
