So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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