I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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