listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
