In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Did I show you my penis last night?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
