he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize