Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
