I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
