Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize