If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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