you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
