He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
