I'm jealous of your bromance
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
