So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I checked into jail on foursquare
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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