I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
