$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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