I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
