I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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