Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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