some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it's like iHOP with fire
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
