i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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