i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
