you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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