She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
