my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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