i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
