found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
