Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
