who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
