Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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