happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
