You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
