i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This house was built for laser tag.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
