dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
